Just Keep Rolling

Our test was negative. To be honest, I wasn't too surprised. I hadn't "felt pregnant" and as much as I wanted to believe it had worked, I didn't. As much as I thought I had prepared myself for a negative result though, I was still crushed. My spirit had been broken and I wasn't really sure what to do next. With the encouragement of the nurses and James, we decided to just roll into a frozen cycle. So what did this mean? You guessed it, more shots! Not the easy quick belly shots though, intramuscular shots, in my butt, daily. Awesome! By the end of this cycle I looked like I had been peppered by a shotgun across my whole backside (could that sound anymore redneck?). It was true though, I was black and blue from row after row of shots.
It takes about a month to prepare for another cycle just like regular pregnancy. The month went by one shot at a time and we were ready for our transfer. Our office stores two embryos per tube, lucky for us, both embryos looked great after the thaw and we decided to implant two. We now had 4 embryos still frozen.
We went home and put our picture of our little blasts on the fridge again. We were so hopeful this time. I felt like I had healed from my egg retrieval and my body wasn't in shock from so much going on. I felt better and a few days after our transfer I actually felt different. Not wanting to get my hopes up though I tried not to read into things too much. Again we waited 10 days... 10 long days.

Beta test: Pregnant!

I don't know if I had ever been so happy! We shouted, we cried, we hugged, we told our parents and siblings, we were thrilled! We continued progesterone shots everyday to help feed our little embryo hoping to nurture it and help it grow into a beautiful baby. The doctor appointments continued and at 7 weeks we went in for our first ultrasound.
I was so excited, I was finally going to see our baby that I had waited so long to see. I knew it would only look like a little circle with a heartbeat but that little circle was my whole life. There we were, holding hands, waiting for our first baby to make its small screen debut. The nurse kept moving the ultra sound wand looking around and we waited for her to point out our baby. Then we saw it! Our little circle, it was perfect! But it wasn't. The nurse asked how far along I was supposed to be, if I was sure it was 7 weeks. The baby was measuring a little small at only 6 weeks 2 days. She told us not to worry, that this happens often. We scheduled another ultrasound for the next week to see if there was growth and if we could find a heartbeat the next week.
So we waited again. I would look the pictures of our blasts and just tell them to grow. I would rub my belly and just wish, hope, pray, and try to will our baby to grow. Seven days later we went back to for our ultra sound. It was even smaller than before and there was no heartbeat. We had lost the pregnancy.
James and our sweet nurse did everything they could to console me. Our nurse told me my options as far as removing any tissue that was left but I decided to just let everything pass on it's own. She gave us time to ourselves and then let us go out the back so we could have some privacy.
A few days later the spotting started. I knew it was time. That night around 10 the cramping started. It was miserable. I began to imagine that labor would be a similar experience just with a happier ending. I silently slipped out of bed and laid on the bathroom floor where I just cried. I cried and I prayed and I let everything pass naturally. After a few hours the pain continued to get more intense until I felt like it couldn't get any worse. The pain was healing though. It made me cry, it made me feel, it made me grieve. I know not all people are affected by an early miscarriage the same way, but for me I had lost a child. A child I wouldn't ever see but one I still wouldn't ever forget. As I cried and prayed I pleaded for the pain to lessen, a silent plea that seemed unanswered as the pain became worse and worse. It was about 6 in the morning now and I was exhausted. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I just wanted things to end and they did. I suddenly felt relief and it was over faster than it started. I went back to bed and fell asleep almost immediately.
James took the day off of work and he just laid with me all day. I slept most of the day and when I wasn't sleeping he just listened to me. Occasionally he would talk and tell me everything would work out, but for the most part he just listened and loved and that was all I needed.